Archive for February, 2009


February 26, 2009

Today is a fabulous day. I’m heading up to good old VT to the alma mater for the weekend. So you’re thinking “Oh, Vermont in February…ski weekend right?”.


To be perfectly frank, I along with many other alums, are heading up to Vermont, solely for the purpose of blacking out. Are we immature? Maybe. Do we care? Absolutely not. It’s Mardis Gras in Burlington, we’re here to party.

No, obviously we’re not showing our boobies in below zero tempuratures (okay Saturday’s got a high of 22, maybe one boob? But not in front of the kids!) Regardless, bead and beers will be flying and flowing and I will jump at any excuse to day-time drink. Someone even dared to say “So this is like…Alumni Weekend Round Two…”

Well spank my ass and call me Sally, I’m heading up to cow country!

So what if they only have one area code for the entire state?

So what if I went to the whitest school in the whitest state in the U.S. of A.

So what if the “beach” is actually a fresh-water lake? (to be honest I’m not so sure about the “fresh” part either…)

So what if Vermont likes to spoon with NH?

So what if it’s the largest producer of Maple Syrup in the country, or half of New England’s Milk is produced there…?

So what if VT has the smallest state Capitol in the US?

So what if the average January temperature is between 18 degrees?

So what if because of these cold winters it becomes socially acceptable to drink 10 beers to get your “beer coat” on before exiting your dorm?

So what if burlington is crawling with hippy bands with dreadlocks dying to be come the next coming of Phish?

So what if the hottest tourist attraction is the Ben and Jerry’s Factory…where you grab a free sample and then buy tye dye tshirt with a huge cow on it for $29.99?

So what if you should be more worried about tripping over your birkenstock than getting mugged/shot/or robbed?

Okay , I digress…wasn’t I talking about Mardis Gras? Got on a little rant there…

Honestly. I love the Green Mountain State. It’s the perfect excuse for over indulgence in general. Regardless of the silly reasons/stereotypes to write Vermont off as a place you would want to spend ANY time at all in, it’s where I met some of my very bestest pals [insert emotional sound effect here]. So in just a few hours I’ll head up to Burlington for another memorable weekend (and by memorable I mean my friends and I will slowly piece it back together). Think what you want but ilovermont.

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Attention Gym Rats: Get your Sh*t Together!

February 20, 2009

I’m sure you have all left the gym, a place where you go to relieve stress, feeling as if your blood pressure is going through the roof. People seem to drive you CRAZY and it’s the smallest things that could set you off. Okay I’m not saying I have the best manners (obviously on facebook I have extremely proper etiquette), but I’m just throwing this out there since I’m sure you can relate to some of these gym-time gripes.

Spandex are not pants.
Pretty self explanatory.

Hey! I was watching Oprah!
I’ve been on this damn elliptical for 20 mins – and you change the channel on me to watch ESPN. Did you ever think that I want to see what happens to the single mother of 8 who’s house burned down. WTF!

The water fountain.
This is shared. Don’t spit back into it OR put your lips to it, I don’t want what you got.You might as well go makeout with everyone in the gym.

You look the same as you did 2.5 minutes ago
Man in muscle shirt…you look the same as you did the last time you checked the mirror (which was probably a minute ago). You aren’t going to be any more “ripped” 2 minutes from now. And If I see you lift up your shirt to check out your abs…I will judge you.

Bring a damn water bottle.
Again man in muscle shirt… you have to walk allllll the way from the weight section to the water fountain (which is conveniently past about 100 yards of mirror side by side). You conveniently “forget” to bring a water bottle…every, single, time you are at the gym…you would be more “ripped” if you didn’t waste so much time checking yourself out.

Moaners and Grunters..

Unless you are lifting while simultaneously birthing triplets, quiet down.

Boo to B.O.

I understand that it’s the gym and people are sweating. But, if you forgot to slap on the Old Spice this morning, spare us and stay home.


Don’t go to the gym with your significant other. Okay fine, you do your own thing for a bit and you want to shoot hoops together, or you actually want to run together. But don’t dote over the treadmill she’s at on your 6th trip to the water fountain in the past half hour. Oh and don’t’ you dare sit and watch him lift weights.

Jeans, Sandals, Street clothes in general
No no no no no no no.

Spray Cleaner

A) Use it B) Don’t abuse it – if I’m on the treadmill and get sprayed in the face by a chemical that only God knows the composition of…I will be unhappy.

I understand you need to change in the locker room, BUT, if you are over the age of 40 things aren’t where they used to be. Try a little modesty for the sake of other patrons.

Unsolicited advice
Unless you own the gym or are extremely attractive and of the opposite sex, don’t critique my technique.

And finally, as a general rule, do not pass gas on a cardio machine, especially if there are innocent people running at high speeds next to you. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

I’m just saying, it’s a communal space, it’s shared, and you see the same group of people daily and weekly(yes, I am excluding you people that only show up January 2nd – 5th and then never come back).

We are all working towards a similar goal, maybe you want to get ripped, or fit into your wedding dress, or in my case, I’m killin‘ it to fit into my jean shorts so I can grab a budweiser. Just make our time together a little more pleasant and try not to bark my on the road to my goal. THANKS!

Are You a Swimfan?

February 18, 2009

Swimfan. You’ve seen the movie. You know that bitch was effing crazy.

We used to joke with one of my friends that she was swimfan. …so maybe she knew exactly where on Google-Map the boy she was crushing on’s house was…and maybe she knew where his dad worked…and that his little sister had the sniffles (okay, okay a bit much, I obv agree—I think we may have had a problem on our hands) but regardless…with the increase in technology many of us, myself included, become a swimfan without even having an inkling of wanting to stalk anyone, ever.

Take scenario 1:

You go to work, and you ask your co-worker how their weekend was. Thing is, you already knew. You saw that she was skiing in New Hampshire, or got kicked out of the Pour House for yelling at the bartender, or that she got a new puppy. It’s not your fault. He or she put those pictures up, or got tagged in them, it popped up on your mini-feed, and you clicked, innocently enough. But, since it is clearly not socially acceptable to admit that, yes, you already knew all of these events happened, you begrudgingly reply as if this is completely new information to you.

Scenario 2:

You and “the girls” don’t know where to go for the night. You read on [insert girl you absolutely despise name here]’s away message that they were going to [insert god aweful bar name here]. So you try to avoid the previously chosen bar at all costs. But somehow you end up there. You run into god-aweful girl. “OMG, I had no idea you girls would be here!”. So now you’re a stalker and liar. Again it’s not your fault.

Scenario 3:

Office Gossip. Okay I heard this girl’s boyfriend got mugged over the weekend, first thing Tuesday morning. Then, not more than 5 minutes ago, I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth, “Ya well [John/Bill/Bob/Steve] got mugged and assaulted on Comm. Ave this past weekend”. Then I heard it again with even more info, from someone else, regarding the items were stolen (watch and wallet). Keep in mind, no one was ever, directly speaking to me about this situation. I could tell the whole story as if the kid were my brother. Not my fault.

You, me, your brother, your boyfriend, and even your 9-year old cousin Susie are enabling those unintential swimfans nationwide. We update our facebook status (even via our blackberry or other mobile device), we put up away messages, we don’t use 6 inch voices in the office. Then we have the audacity to complain about how nothing is private anymore.

You put your stuff out there, you wore your heart on your sleeve… So unless she has your house pulled up on Google Map, knows your Social Security Number and blood-type, she’s a nice enough girl that was just a little bored on a Sunday so spent an hour or four surfin’ the book or didn’t have her headphones blaring at the highest volume at work…give the chick a break.


February 16, 2009

Okay it’s Monday – and I’m hungover. Sad but true. I love America, so I had to celebrate Presidents Day, right? But the hangover got me thinking about whyy I constantly do this to myself, but I stopped immediately in my tracks. I mean, making Billy Madison into a drinking game and drinking anytime they said Billy, school, O’Doyle Rules, or we saw an imaginary Penguin, was a damn good idea (and not just one of those “I thought it was a good idea at the time” ideas)

So, with that having been said, again I’m still hungover. But how hungover am I? you ask. I decided I can classify my hangovers with a few short anecdotes and key phrases that you have uttered some derivative of on a Saturday, Sunday, or even Wednesday morning in your life.
[Note: names were not used as to protect my innocent but hilarious friends and acquaintances]

I drank half a bag of wine (slapping was involved).

Fact: the cheaper the wine the worse the hangover. You did this to yourself. Just because the Tour de Franzia was going through campus

didn’t mean you had to grab your imaginary bike, and not-so-imaginary bike shorts, and join the race(but why the hell wouldn’t you?). Grab the Advil, drink some water, and lie down…for a good long while…

I only ate teas…

It’s summer, and Saturday. You went to the beach, so obviously you had to bring some twisted teas with you. Problem is you ate 10-12 of them, all day long, while roasting in the sun. You brought your chair into the ocean..and you didn’t just get your feet wet. The waves were actually crashing over your head – tea in hand.
You got home around 5:30, drunk. You thought “power nap!”, set your alarm for 7:30 and snuggled with a bubba of Poland Spring. Rather than waking up refreshed and ready to change into evening gear, you’re absolutely still drunk. Regardless, in an effort to get your hot little self dressed and made-up you end up looking more like a tranny than a beach goddess.
Oh, and when you finally make it to the bar you have a run-in with a girl who clearly spent her day a) indoors or b) under an umbrella. She tells you she “likes your tan lines”. Damn.
Fact: As a result of your prolonged sun exposure and your misuse of sun screen, you are burnt, dehydrated, and low on sugar because you ate so many teas. Your brain actually feels as if it is separating from your skull (technically it is – trust me, I googled it). Again, water, Advil, aloe, nap and repeat.
There’s marinara on my dress…and I’m still wearing it

Okay – it’s safe to say you blacked out. You didn’t even know you had any food that included marina sauce in your fridge but somehow, someway, you ate something…and it ended up on your dress.

Maybe you ate the cab drivers leftover’s (Quote: “You’re eating the cab drivers left overs”, Response: “He’s not just the cab driver…his name is Bill”). Maybe it wasn’t marina on your dress, it could have been a hand print of mustard on the ass of your jeans (I…uh…I mean you probably stopped eating street meat after that) or it was Greek dressing on your coat (that you did, in fact, wake up in) but regardless if you can’t remember eating it it was calorie free right?
Fact: Your hangover is accompanied by a horrible taste in your mouth. If you woke up in your coat you most certainly did not brush your teeth. Your bad breath could quite possibly be followed up by a stomach ache…brush teeth, water, saltines, Advil, nap…repeat x2.
Why is there a bruise/welt/cut-scrape-gash on my [insert body part here]?

I’m being optimistic here. There could be cuts, scrapes, and bruises all over your entire body…depending on the circumstances. Maybe your boyfriend wanted to give you a piggy back down the street, you stood on the stairs to jump on, and you went flying over his back and and the curb cushioned your fall. Maybe you got in a fight with a pricker bush and now have to wear jeans on a 90 degree summer day. Maybe you thought it was a good idea to superman the beirut table, and you broke your nose (recap: I classify that as one of those “I thought it was a good idea at the time” ideas). Maybe your foot got run over by a cab (see For your birthday, I Threw Myself in Front of a Cab)

Nonetheless, you are hurtin‘ for certain.

You may have to go to the ER. Assess the situation and figure out your game plan. Depending on the amount of dirt or debris on your body you may have to shower before going in public. Soo shower, water, Advil (perhaps percocet?), nap, repeat…

Where the eff am I?

If you went to college this happened to you. Be honest, it made your hangover soooo much worse. How far away are you? Did you go on a party trolley in Boston, get drunk, makeout…and wake up “Chillin in New Hampshire”?

Are you a college junior, in a freshman dorm, putting your lucky guy’s sheets in a walmart bag, and you now have to walk across campus (through the caf. to add insult to injury) because you booted in his bed…all night long..?
Are you in a shopping cart?

Fact: You have to re-evaluate your life

Your lucky new friend has to drive you 2.5 hours back to where you started. You are most likely embarrassed (perhaps blushing?). You have to wash the sheets. You have to find your dignity.

Find dignity (or clothes or both), get your ass home, shower, Advil, pray.

Okay time for me to refill my water and take that nap I’ve been waiting all day for…catch ya on the flip side.

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Facebook Etiquette

February 13, 2009

As you know – I’ve been told I should be in a facebook commercial. Mark Zuckerberg hasn’t called me yet…sooo I thought I might share my thoughts about it with you. No, I’m not going to tell you how to use facebook, you can figure that out for yourself. But I’d like to lay out a few tricks of the trade, a sort of set of ground rules on etiquette so you can be a good little facebook user:

1) Profile pic: If your pic is 2 yrs old you are trying to deceive those who have not seen you in awhile. Friends that see you on a regular basis realize this is a farce. Be honest and update your pic. If you go out in public…people know what you look like.
Next, If you change your picture weekly, or even bi-weekly…take it easy. And if there are over 100 pics in your “profile pictures” album…that is a telltale sign that you should absolutely tone it down.

2) De-tagging: I understand if there is beer coming out of your nose, or you seem to be in a compromising situation in several pictures you can de-tag, I would do the same, no questions asked. But again, with the honesty, if you think “my arm looks fat” or “my hair looks greasy” I will classify you as a facebook snob. Again, you go out in public, sometimes your arm does look fat.

3) Applications: My sister classifies herself as a “facebook purist”. Just her info, pics and a wall. That’s fine. If you have more than 3 applications tone it down. Bumper stickers were fun for about 2 months but “fun-wall”, “super-wall”, “what kind of Disney princess are you” (I think I’m Cinderella) are violently unnecessary.

4) Status Updates: I don’t care that you’re “pumped it’s Friday!” or you’re “bored at work”. I absolutely don’t care if you are in Florida, California or the Caribbean. You might as well write [Insert your stupid name here] is picking my nose at my desk until I on jump a plane to [insert vacation destination here] oh yea and you are not going anywhere nana nana boo boo! Stop being so starved for attention via the interweb.

5) Relationship Status: Yes I was formerly married…to a girl. At age 23 this is no longer acceptable. If you are married, it’s complicated, or in a relationship with a chick and in reality you are not lesbians…break it off. If you are a guy in an fbook relationship with a guy and not

gay…God help you.
Also – if you are actually in a real relationship…don’t list it as “it’s complicated”.
We will assume:
a) you are about to be dumped or
b) you’re a slut

If you get dumped…you may update your relationship status; however, do not use this as a means to tell your friends. Be courteous, let them know ahead of time so they don’t find out through the mini-feed. Also – if your friend gets dumped DO NOT comment on their updated relationship status. Major no-no.

Do not dump your significant other via facebook.

Finally, if you changed your relationship status we know you either got dumped or dumped someone. Do not, in addition to this change, make your status message any of the following: Broken, Lost, Confused etc etc. (see #4)We read it in the mini-feed we aren’t assuming that you are in a good mood, place, or state of mind.

6) Interests: If you don’t like to run, don’t list it as an interest. If you are trying to convey that you are athletic or that you ‘go to the gym’ through your interests and a) are athletic or b) actually enjoy the gym, fine, listing either of the above as an interest is acceptable. If you are merely stating it so you don’t look like a slob that only likes to drink and watch tv…we’ll see right through you.

7) Books: If you don’t read don’t lie. If the last book you read was The Giving Tree or Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day and it still happens to be your favorite, let the world know.

8) Movies: List your favorites. Do not list every single new movie that you see. If you don’t think it will be one of your favorites in 5-7 years it shouldn’t make the cut, sorry.

9) People you may know: okay this has nothing to do with etiquette but is just a general facebook grievance. I’m sick of seeing your face in my people you may know…so I friend you. But then I start getting messages about your band, and your new releases, and your tour dates. I don’t care, so I want to defriend you…but will your stupid face pop up on my homepage as people you may know again?? not worth the risk…

Last but certainly not least:
10) Defriending: Facebook “spring-cleaning” is completely and utterly unnacceptable. I did not personally run into this problem, but, a fellow classmate decided she would remove 50+ of her facebook friends. Did she only want her actual friends to be her “friends” on facebook??? I don’t understand…

In short, you committed to the book, and committed to the friends when you either accepted them, or befriended them. So unless they have thoroughly abused any of the above grievances, there shouldn’t be grounds for defriending.

These aren’t so much “rules” as much as recommendations for the good book. If you don’t want to bother your friends, and even those who aren’t yet your “friend” just attempt to follow just a few and make everyone’s day surfing the web a little bit easier…

Phobia-Shmobia? I Think Not…

February 11, 2009

So question 12 of Chain Letter really got me thinking.

There is absolutely one thing I fear more than being old [Medical Term: “Gerascophobia (Greek gerasco, “I am ageing” and φόβος, phobos, “fear”)[1] is an abnormal or persistent fear of growing old or ageing.[2] Gerascophobia is a clinical phobia generally classified under specific phobias, fear of a single specific panic trigger” (Wikipedia, Obvi)…

While still in college I went on a visit to UMASS Amherst. I was hanging out at my cousin’s house, playing Beirut and my opponent unzipped his sweatshirt…and there it was… a shirt with herd of galloping horses. “EW!”. I thought. No, OMG, that was out loud. The whole room looked at me. I immediately responded with what at first they believed was a bullsh*t explanation….

“No no I didn’t mean ‘EW’ to you it’s just….”

Back in the fall of ‘89 I was at a Birthday party. You know – I wore a nice little dress with lace at the bottom, played pin the tail on the donkey, ate birthday cake, and was having a great time. Then it was time for the pony rides! Wee! They had brought a horse from up the street for all the kids to take rides on. COOL! I thought.

Then the birthday girl tried to cut me in line. “Girls in lace dresses can’t ride the horse!!”.she announced. Her mother, immediately scolded her, and responded “She is your guest, let her take a turn first”.

So, they hoisted me up onto the horse and it began to trot up the dirt road. Suddenly something was wrong, terribly wrong, the horse began to fall. I have vague memories of the balloons tied to his tail POP! POP! POP! as me and Mr. Ed hit the dirt road hard, little kids screamed and parents scrambled everywhere.

The horse had a heart attack. Seriously? The birthday girl cried because I had ruined her party and she never got a ride. The horse died two days later.

“…so I’m sorry I didn’t mean to insult your shirt, it’s just…there’s a little history there”.

Everyone stopped staring, the drinking commenced and I had dodged a huge bullet of being dubbed the biggest bitch ever. But in all honesty I still sometimes start to twitch when I see a cop on horseback.

After a bit of research (and by research I mean googling ‘fear of horses’ and clicking on the first hit). I discovered that I truly may not ever get over my fear.

Fear of horses: Equinaphobia – an abnormal and persistent fear of horses. Sufferers of this fear experience undue anxiety even when a horse is known to be gentle and well trained. They usually avoid horses entirely rather than risk being kicked, bitten or thrown. They may also fear other hoofed animals such as ponies, donkeys and mules.

This type of phobia may be triggered by a fall from a horse (which is probably why it is said that, after a fall from a horse, one should get right back on).

Problem: the horse was dying; therefore, I could not get back on.

I guess the closest I can ever get to a horse is going to be a carousel.

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Chain Letter

February 10, 2009

As much as I use and abuse facebook – I do not believe in the whole create a facebook note, tag all your friends, clog up my mini-feed fad. No offense to anyone who uses/creates them, but I thought that chain letters went out around the same time as pogs did, back in ’96…(note: I did have a pretty sweet slammer)

Anyhooo I figured I can post such a note, on a blog, where people come voluntarily (I know you’ve been checking daily to see if anything is new here – don’t lie to yourself). I’m not clogging up anybodies mini-feed when they are simply logging on to the good book to stalk people’s weekend pictures, let the world know they just got dumped, or watched The Departed for the first time and obvi have to add it to their favorite movies. So no tags – no need to pass this on – but just a little more stuff you didn’t want to know about me.

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to tag the person you received it from!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? non-existant
3. Your hair? “Brassy”
4. Your mother? saint
5. Your father? “Meffah”

6. Your favorite? cadbury-mini-eggs
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? beers
9. Your dream/goal? budwesiers (see the dream)
10. What room you are in? Suite 800 (that’s one word right?)
11. Your hobby? blogging
12. Your fear? being-old
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? writing-a-book
14. Where were you last night? wouldn’tyouliketoknow
15. Something that you aren’t? 17
16. Muffins? (see below)

17. Wish list item? budweisers

18. Where you grew up? South-Sho-fo-sho
19. Last thing you did? g-chat
20. What are you wearing? dress
21. Your TV? crimeshows
22. Your pets? Tizzy-my-blind-anorexic-cat
23. Friends? hilarious
24. Your life? joke
25. Your mood? melancholy (see This is a Day of Mourning)
26. Missing someone? Tizzy(MBAC)
27. Car? “Porsche-A”
28. Something you’re not wearing? lipstick

See that wasn’t so bad, right? No strings attached, God will not strike you down if you don’t answer these questions and send them on to 10 people that don’t even know or like you. I may have wasted a solid minute and a half of your life, but I’m sure you will get over it :).

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Today is a Day of Mourning

February 9, 2009

I have a lady-crush on Rihanna. It started back in 2005 when S.O.S came out. Anything the girl touches turns to gold, and she’s hot to boot…Chris Brown, a bona fide hottie in his own right, has dropped several tracks that have each immediately become my personal anthem…most notably and recently Forever.

If I anyone was watching the Grammy’s last night – they knew something in the world of pop had gone awry. Pop’s prince and princess (no not me!), Chris Brown and Rihanna, neither performed nor were in attendance. This morning – on my ride to work, I heard the horrifying, heart-wrenching news that Chris Brown was arrested and allegedly hit Rihanna.

I can’t explain my immediate reaction other than trying not to swerve off of the highway. “Is this really happening???” I thought.

I got to work, booted up my computer, signed into gchat and immediately sent my sister a message:

Moose is online.
popprincess301: i’m upset
Moose: about rihanna?

popprincess301: chris brown hit rihanna
Moose: i know

Clearly, she knew exactly where my head was at. I mean, I don’t honestly think I have felt this sad since Brad and Jen broke up, or Jessica and Nick or even when Aaliyah and and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez died. It’s strange that I don’t know these people yet they still manage to effect my daily life (being that it is 10:42 a.m. and I haven’t been able to get a single thing done besides get a cup of coffee in my hand).

As I relayed my reaction to Nugget she had similar feelings:

Nugget is online.
popprincess301: i’m a little upset about the chris brown rihanna thing
(note: ‘a little upset’ is cleary an not an accurate description)
Nugget:omg i know
popprincess301: seriously
Nugget: i reaaaaaaally hope he didnt hit her and it was just a random even tho thats not good iether
but its so much worse if it was her
Nugget: i dont want it to be true! i love them but then again chris can always come cry on my shoulder and sing forever to me for the rest of our lives when no one likes him anymore…but only if he doesnt punch me in the face

My friend fox had similar thoughts as well

Fox: i never liked him. he sings gay songs and tries to be a baller. smacks riri my fav person on the planet.

This is why today is a day of mourning. I am currently sitting at my desk listening to take a bow on repeat and being sad:

Take A Bow Video

God help me if Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron break up anytime in the near future…

Why am I Single?

February 5, 2009

If you know me, you most likely see on a day-to-day or weekend-to-weekend basis the reasons why I am so very single. But if you don’t let’s just say to an undiscerning eye, I am quite the catch. But I consider myself a decently self aware person, and if you looked deeper, if you spent even one night out with me it is likely that you could count these reasons…you might even run out of fingers…


For the eternally single girl (dubbed this by my ever-so-kind twin sister), another Valentine’s day is inevitably looming. Girls will get flowers and chocolates (hopefully not at work, thank G it’s a Saturday), lovey dovey couples will plan their dinners and weekend get-aways etc. etc. We single ladies will take this time to reflect on the past year, or even years, and pose the question: “Why am I Single?”.

Most girls think: “Well if I lose 10 pounds, if I wasn’t so needy, if I didn’t find something wrong with EVERY guy I went out with…”. But for me, I utter the above listed phrase far too often, in jest, but in truth, the reasons are far too obvious to ignore…
I have a blind, anorexic, senile cat who I adore. I was once told in college that I may grow up to be a cat lady.
Pop Music
Girls Just Want to Have Fun is on every single mix CD I have ever made. I now have the Miley Cyrus Version on my iPod (I bet you didn’t even know there was one). I own 2 out of the 3 High School Musical DVDS. I own a HSM shirt. Let’s just stop there.
Crime Shows
I watch more Spike TV than any dude. Probably because without fail at any point in the day there is an episode of CSI on. I was once asked to log the number of crime show hours I watch per week. I stopped after two days out of sheer embarrassment.
At college, in Vermont (red flag: is she a lesbian?)
I know things about facebook people don’t even care to know and spend and obscene amount of time on it. I’ve been told I should be in a commercial for it.
I may or may not have any knowledge in my own head. If I don’t know something…I absolutely and positively will google it (even if I am out to dinner and I am creeping under the table on my blackberry).
Ladylike? Beer belly? Longing desire to drink Budweiser.
Lack of Fashion Sense
jeans+sneaks+hat=Lesbian Lumberjack
Not even close to an interest. I am messy. Hygiene excluded, I enjoy 1-2 showers/day, neatness doesn’t even come close to a blip on the radar.
Okay these aren’t interests we must move on…
I make out in public.
I have made out with my twin’s gay friend in public in order to make her mad…I did not kiss a girl and like it but I somehow deemed it appropriate to exchange hickeys with Nugget…in public…okay I’ve toned down since college…
I’m looking for love in all the wrong placesss
#1 the bar
#2 I wouldn’t mind fishing off the company pier
#3 my alma mater (Blackout makeout does not count as a relationship and are you [insert college initials/nickname here] dating? doesn’t either)
A picture is worth a thousand words…

A friend was chatting with someone who did not know me well, they inquired about my boyfriend. Stunned, the guy replied, “Boyfriend? Have you ever seen the girl drink a beer?”
I can drink a full pint glass of beer, with no hands. A trick my lacrosse captain taught me (lezis??).






I If I am not mistaken for a lesbian lumberjack, I may be found as Sleeping Beauty or Eve.











I both dance in public and have public dance-offs…without proper training or respect for those watching.

I went to McDonald’s like this….and I definitely made out that night.

I clearly don’t agree with or understand the concept of dressing sexy/slutty/half naked on Halloween.








Okay, enough is enough, you get the idea. So I hope, for my own sake that I am not in fact eternally single. And all things considered, aside from desperately wanting to slip into my jean shorts and grab a Budweiser, I still think I could be a catch for somebody. God bless that lucky fella.
















Kicking of ’09 Right, With Ashton Kutcher and a Plethora of Cheese…

February 4, 2009

Most people want to start the new year off right. Eat healthy, be more kind, excercise. Not for us, not on January 1 anyway..
Being completely and utterly post college on New Year’s Eve, I went to a house party. I extended the invitation to my sister’s two friends(25 and 26 year old cohorts previously mentioned in Awesome?) with promises of keg stands, single dudes, and a dj. Done and done.
Now – if I previously thought that the party was over after college I was wrong. Even after you turn a quarter of a century, you can still bring in the noise.

26 year old, Vicki, was probably more excited than Ralphie when he got his red rider bb gun on christmas morning – to rock out on NYE. She hit the dance floor before she even got a beer in her hand and was determined to makeout with one of the post-college dudes.

After double fisting beers for about an hour she began taking tabs on who was single – by the time the ball dropped it did not matter. She headed for one of my most attractive friends and he turned away (“wtf?”, she thought). Only the following day did she feel worse when the attack was in fact caught on camera and posted on the interweb via facebook – by his girlfriend. Not for nothing, she did end up making out…thank fully with someone who actually was single.

25 yr old Bizzie, not to be out-done, stood in the kitchen around 12:30, dropped her bottle of champagne mid chug, and booted in the sink. She then loudly exclaimed “Holy Crap! Gross. That’s Chinese!”.

I pretended not to know them.

By 2 a.m. we had overstayed our welcome but we couldn’t find Vicki anywhere. crap. The cab came so maturely we left her, wherever she may have been. We brought Bizzie directly to her door and she contributed a whole $1.00 to to the cab fare, thanks Biz.

We get home and I manage to find some pj’s and pass out. I wake up, and I immediately grabbed for my phone to see what damage was done the night before via text.

An outgoing text to Nugget read: “Happy new year I lvoe you. zac efron is on my tits”

I look down, it’s confirmed, I slept in my High School Musical Shirt. Right on.

I decide we need the entertainment of Vicki and Biz for the entire following day so I call them to come over. Vicki’s out to breakfast…with my friend. WHAT? Yes, she is actually, actually eating a meal of food with him. Whoopsies. She sends him home, on the bus, and makes her way, in a snowstorm to come entertain me.

The come to my door bearing gifts, and egg & cheese and Mac & Cheese. I had cheez-its for breakfast, queso dip for lunch, mac and cheese, and cheese pizza that day, no lie (Do I smell more material for Why Am I Single?)

Okay so you understand the cheese theme, but why Ashton Kutcher? you ask. Because for some reason we were able to watch 5 Ashton Kutcher movies in one day. I’m betting you are saying to yourself “But Ashton Kutcher didn’t even make 5 movies”. Untrue.

We watched:

Dude Where’s My Car?
Guess Who?
Cheaper by the Dozen
My Boss’ Daughter
and now a Personal Favorite What Happens in Vegas. (“WHY?? you KNOW why!”)

When Cameron Diaz drank a Budweiser in that movie I knew I needed to step away from the cheese and head towards the freezer for some ice chips. Enough said.

That lasted about 5 minutes when I headed to the kitchen for some ice chips and instead grabbed a bud light. The cause is the cure right? I figure, 2009 has potential for an upgrade, but it could wait until tomorrow…