Archive for April, 2009

Happy Birthday Sticky

April 30, 2009


Happy Bday Sticky!

You know him, he was previously featured in Awesome?

We’ll just say, he’s turning 21 for the 7th time today. He’s been sitting at his desk (which btw is NOT in a cubicle, crying all day). I would say that this is going to tarnish his image, but I think he can pull it off. It just makes the ladies thing he’s “sensitive” and thus, doesn’t make him look like a weenie.

The only way I could console Sticky, was to tell him, “hey, at least you’re not 30”. I’m so sentimental sometimes it’s shocking, really.

I decided that to make him feel a little better, I would compile a list of things that happened to me, or my acquaintances on their respective birthdays that are far shittier (sometimes literally, read on and see).

When we turned 3, my twin sister and I both had the chicken pox=no bday party. When we were having our bath, Beef decided she wanted to see if chicken pox actually tasted like chicken, and she bit one off of me.

We all know about the pony ride incident from phobia-shmobia, I’m surprised I ever went to another birthday party…

In 4th grade, Moose was upset (she tends to get upset when it’s not her party and cries if she wants to – watch out Sticky), and she put her fist through my M&M tree cake. Wahh.

When Nugget was in HS everyone ignored her all day long, and she didn’t catch on that this is a common theme when someone is throwing you a surprise party. She went home and cried to her mom that everyone hated her. She also popped some anti-inflammatories before blowing out her candles so she didnt’ catch on fire…

Sophomore year of college during my birthday celebration my friend “Bob” was trying to light a fart on fire with a combination of matches, lighters, and birthday candles. Let’s just say he gambled on a fart and lost(see below). And everyone always says “remember that time ‘Bob’ sharted in your room?”. Goo. yes yes I do, it was my birthday.

So see Sticky? Turning another year older is not so bad. I’m betting you tomorrow you won’t be telling me you got bit or someone sharted in your bedroom…that also happens to be your living room…and your kitchen (I’m sure you are familiar with the fact that a college dorm functions as all 3). So let me leave you with some meaningful words from John P. Grear:

“You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime”.

Gambling…

April 28, 2009

This may or may not be the funniest Craigslist posting in the history of the world.
Thanks to Vicki for sharing

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

editor’s note: this story has great comic effect if read aloud.

Groundhogs, Flabongos, and Wieners…OH MY!

April 16, 2009

Congratulations!! If you’re a from the Northeast like me, congrats, we made it! We survived the ridiculousness that is a New England winter. I probably can’t count the number of times the local weatherman said “don’t go putting your winter coat and shovel away just yet…”.

Shut up a-hole I thought that GD groundhog didn’t see his shadow. But it’s here, it’s finally here. Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly!



No, I’m not talking about wedding season…I’m talking about SPRING!!

The spring brings a slew of wonderful things that (regardless of my disdain for horses) I’m chomping at the bit for….



1. Break out that Flabongo:

Flabongo: A beer bong made out of a a flamingo lawn ornament. It may also occasionally be used to bong wine or mixed drinks. (courtesy of urban dictionary.com)



2) Wieners:

That’s right I said it. Wieners. Fenway Franks are near and dear to my heart, seriously. But a wiener made on my own back porch does the trick as well (that’s right ketchup only).

3) Day light savings: 4 p.m. rolls around at the office. It’s still light out! No need to jump from the top of the building

4) Beautiful Day Rule: I’ve had this rule since I was a little kid. If it was nice out, you had to get your little behind away from the tv, and you had to go out and play. Who’s to say the rule can’t take on a brand new meaning as you age? A beautiful day + a 30 rack of Busch light(bud heavy, twisted teas, pick your poison)= recipe for debauchery. Such debauchery could include but is not limited to:



-Dizzy Bat

-Wieners (again)

-Stump (hammer, nails, a tree stump, and beer – (believe or not I have played this – and no one died)

-Shirtless dudes

-Bikini clad chicks

-Slip ‘n slide

jorts

– folding chairs

-blow up pools

etc, etc.

5) Is that love in the air? Maybe…my theory on spring fever is two fold:



A) The weather is nice, the girls and guys alike are wearing fewer and fewer clothes by the day. Everyone is in a generally jovial mood. Spring Fevahhh. Perhaps you’ll meet your future mate by just observing the beautiful day rule, who knows?



B) Commercial holidays are far out of site. Valentine’s Day has come and passed it’s truly okay to be single and mingling. If you have a new girl or guy in your life, there isn’t that horrid pressure to drag them to meet your great great grandmother and your crazy Uncle Bill while everyone’s getting sloshed and being ungrateful for their gifts on Christmas Day. Seriously, this time of year takes the pressure off all of us single folk, we can just relaxxxxx.



6) Flip flops



7) Free cone day @ Ben & Jerry’s

April 21st, 2009 1:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.

Newbury Street, Boylston Street, in Cambridge, and Charlestown (assuming you are all local folk) I’m sure you can go find one!

p.s. that’s about 50, 3-4 minute hugs ;). but it only comes once a year.



8) Rocking out to Spring Beats

Basically exhibiting BAMF-like behavior, shades on, windows down, tunes bumpin‘.


Music<img src="http://assets.myflashfetish.com/images/btn-create.gif" alt="<img src="http://assets.myflashfetish.com/images/btn-get-ringtones.gif" alt="



So with the spring comes with the promise of summer, and we all know we can’t wait until that first steaming hot day. We’ll bolt out of bed, grab a cooler full of teas enjoy those few short months a la playa.

I’ve dubbed this week Zac Efron Appreciation Week…

April 14, 2009

Okay I’ve dubbed this week Zac Efron Appreciation Week. Get real, you’ve obv been waiting for a post on him. Saturday night, after a few drinks we turned on SNL (for me of course). I proceeded to state aloud in a room full of 25-26 year olds:

“No but seriously, in HSM 3 Zac does take his shirt off, but you only get to see his back. You’re going to get to see his front in 17 Again…I’m so excited”


Like the e-trade baby said “it’s not the venue”. But c’mon you shouldn’t be surprised by that. Regardless, I feel as if yes, I do need to defend his “honor” after his dismal performance on SNL. Yes, his monologue was awkward, and yes, I agree the skit about “High School Musical 4” wasn’t anything to write home about. But it wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as the A-Simps lip-syncing debacle (and we all know I still l-o, l-o, l-o, l-o-v-e her).

But…the skit about Kathy Lee was decently humorous…he so did not deserve heat from her (competely curler clad and in a velour sweatsuit) while just trying to promote his new flick.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

That b*tch is crazayyyy. No, your son is not at all cuter (though in that airbrushed photo you may think that’s the case)And leave Zac’s hair alone you crazy old bag. You’re just jealous that Kelly Ripa is the t*ts and your career has gone down the tube.

So Zac is trying shed his teeny-bopper image. He’s dropped out of footloose, he’s doing sexy photo shoots. He risks losing his tween following (and in the process perhaps will make my obsession socially acceptable). Nonetheless, I’m going to take this week to pay homage to the old Zac. I’ll watch the HSM Trilogy, maybe Hairspray and listen to the soundtracks on repeat. Maybe I’ll even jog to the sound of his voice…

And this wild Friday night you will most likely find me at the local AMC theatre with a bag of swedish fish, a fountain soda, and a movie popcorn pining over Zac. My only task is finding someone who will actually go with me…

Ahhh?!?! jorts season is coming in hot…

April 13, 2009

Okay so I’m really cutting it down to the wire here. It’s almost June and I’m not in my jean shorts (jorts) quite yet.

Today, I logged on to http://www.livestrong.com. It has this lovely feature called the “daily plate”. You can literally search for the food you have eaten and it calculates # calories, fat, carbs etc. It also tells you, based on your goals, how many calories you have left to eat. Impressive? Absolutely.

Now, compared to yesterday, where I think I actually ate my own body weight in Easter candy, I was doing extremely well today! But BAM…I went into a meeting….a lovely co-worker had actually made a strawberry Cheesecake Cake…yes that’s right, a cake, that has cheese cake in it..from scratch to add insult to injury. That threw quite the wrench in the plan but it was well worth it.

Not knowing what went into this cake exactly, I decided
to go big with the “cake” choice I entered into my daily plate. I thought go on the high end right…so I chose the 400 calorie slice(it’s completely possible that that was dead on). Unfortunately, that only left me with 118 calories left on the day. DAMN homie.

But alas! I hadn’t added my physical activity/exercise to my “plate”. Sweet!

I mean, it being Monday and after my indulgencee yesterday, I was obvi going to hit up the JCC(my gym previously mentioned in disgruntled worker). Mondays I go to boot camp. I know, I know I’m a has been. I used to bomb around a lacrosse field with young folks and now I’m bee-bopping over a step trying to keep up with the 50-60 yr. old women out-bopping me. It’s sad but true, I literally had to take a knee at my first class…. Regardless according to the site this lovely activity allegedly burns over 500 calories…HOLLER! Now the list of “activities” really got me thinking…

I don’t have the sturdiest of hips…I won’t be able to run, or even bop up and down on a hardwood floor for the rest of my life…like Shakira said, the hips don’t lie. How will I be able to eat that delicious piece of cake in 10 or even 20 yrs you ask? Well I think I’ve come up with an interesting solution or two…

If you did all of the following activities(each for one hour):


Prayed

Did Arts & Crafts Sitting

Typed(blogged)

Drove
a car
Played horseshoes

Played the piano

Layed quietly

And Chewed gum

You would burn 974 calories…WOWZA.
Don’t have 8 hours on your hands? Cut it in half…you could still fit in that piece of cake with room to spare…my only problem is I don’t think I could lay quietly for a full hour..unless it’s in the middle of the night when I’m actually sleeping…


Upon further investigation…doing absolutely nothing…actually burns 72 calories/hr (listening to music, watching tv etc) provided you do not fall asleep in the process. This would unfortunately scale back your calories burned by a solid 6/hour if you are not awake.

Okay, so your not that lazy, I get it…to my dismay taking care/riding a horse actually burns an obscene amount of calories. If you do not understand my disdain for horses please see Phobia-Shmobia, I think not
The following activities burn the corresponding # of calories riding – 311, galloping – 588, grooming – 257, saddling – 257, trotting – 478, walking – 191. I’m unsure if you would actually spend an hour “saddling” a horse but either way..atta boy Seabiscuit…

note: horses are much less
sc
ary when painted


Moving on, I decided I might take this to a new level. Apparently light hugging burns
73 calories/hr. So, effectively, if I hugged every person I saw for the entire day thus far for one full minute…I would have already burned almost 50 calories…slowly but surely chipping away at that XL slice of cake right?

More or less, what I’m trying to say is if I can slip into those jean shorts and drink a Budweiser or 6 by giving awkward 3-4 minute hugs to unknowing individuals…I’m totally down.



This totally beats hangovas…

April 11, 2009


I saw an ad for this and obvi googled it…I watched this twice and literally laughed out loud.

too funny.

Why Rain Sucks

April 6, 2009

1) There is no such thing as a “rain day” home from school.

2)There is a great possibility of getting “puddled” by a passing car.

3)Your ballet flats begin to smell like a dying animal

4)Your hair will turn into an afro.


5) Once you head out from work the Backstreet Boys are not outside waiting by your 2000 Chevy Cavalier singing Quit Playin’ Games With My Heart

6)One word: Poncho


7) [Insert sporting event here] is rained out. Whether it be opening day for the sox or your little league or pop warner football game, trust me you are pissed.

8) I don’t wear glasses..but if you do, it’s tough going in the rain.

9) How about coupling two of my favorite things: Waiting for the bus, in the rain.

10)Umbrellas are a joke. And if it’s a windy rainstorm, all bets are off.


So until I’m climbing off a row boat and Ryan Gosling exclaims “I wrote you every day for a year!” and then we m.o. in the rain…the rain will continue to suck.

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Quadrilogy…gone wrong?

April 3, 2009

We all have those favorite movies…that we wish they just let be. Sure the Harry Potter pentolagy has been great so far. And I am a huge fan of the HSM trilogy. I just pray Disney stops there, to keep their you know, integrity…

Unlike some o the following:

Bring it on again, Bring it on all or nothing
American Pie II, American Wedding
Scream 2 & 3 (4 is rumored)
Scary Movie 1,2,3,4 and any other wayons bros. creation
Not Another Teen Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie etc. etc.
Dumb and Dumberer
Legally Blonde 2

Not to say the The Fast and the Furious ever did have integrity, but I added it to my list of favs when I was 14, a freshman in high school. I was pumped when I went to see it in theatres. I mean, Paul Walker? Yum! And I’m not gonna lie, this quality film may have been what changed my taste in music. Seriously, in 2002 I was really into black rap.

So the other night we saw an ad for Fast and Furious while we were out at the bar. We all looked puzzled, didn’t they already have one named that? Oh, I guess if you take the “the’s” out it’s a COMPLETELY different title right? Wrong. Also we argued over how many there were. We settled on 3. We somehow decided that 2Fast 2 Furious and Toyko Drift were the exact same thing entitled 2 Fast 2 Furious: Tokyo Drift. Wrong again. After some serious investigation (via IMDB) I can break it down for you…I know you’re dying to know.

Obv The Fast and the Furious (2001) Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriquez, obscure hot chick (Jordana Brewster), and Ja Rule.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) Obvi in the last scene of the fast and the furious Paul Walker let’s Vin Deisel’s character go…round 2 he is a former cop that gets caught street racing in Miami…somehow goes undercover again to take down a drug lord…mediocre plot-line even if I was still in high school. At least they brought Tyrese in for us to swoon over…and Eva Mendes for the dudes…Luda was in on the Soundtrack…but I may have been phasing out of my ’02-’03 black rap obession…


The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006) Okay Paul Walker had the good sense to stay away from this one. But they brought in heavyweights like Zachary Ty Bryan (duh! Brad from home improvement) and Lucas Black (Friday night lights? Jarhead? Doesn’t ring a bell?) in this epic thriller.


Fast & Furious (2009): No effing way…the ENTIRE original cast. Apparently Paul’s character was in jail (no sure how 2 Fast ended…but I’m assuming he was in jail..). He teams back up with the older crew…

I think it’s safe to say I won’t be rushing to the theatre to see it…

You want me to take the BUS?

April 2, 2009

A few weeks ago I was at Moose’s a mere 6 blocks from my apartment. I asked her if she would drive me home, and not wanting to lose her parking space she handed me a Charlie card. “The BUS? You want me to take the BUS?”.

I can’t really describe why I have such disdain for the bus. It’s not like I take it everyday; I drive to work. I think it could just be a series of unfortunate events relating to my experiences with the BUS.

In Kindergarten, there was a substitute bus driver (not sure what qualifications you have to meet to acquire this position, but I digress). My sister and about 3 other kids were the last ones on. She was lost and asked me which way to go. I did not and still do not have any sense of direction. I told her “take a wight”. Once she realized we were still lost, she called me an idiot. Uh hello, I’m FIVE, and in Kindergarten I pick my nose, finger paint and I can’t even tie my shoes. Also isn’t that what your damn radio is for?

In 1st grade a boy the stop before mine fell off the bus. He got a bus letter. A bus letter for falling (fyi: a bus letter is a note from the driver to your parents, stating you were
bad on the bus).

In 4th grade, I was called the Vice Principal’s office. Oh wee! Am I going to be student of the week?? No, I was getting in trouble for making fun of a 6th grade boy…on the bus.

Since the time I started riding the bus, when I watched TV I was always BAFFLED when the school bus beeped for the kids. I thought “this does not happen in real life”. Low and behold today, as I am walking to my car, a bus pulled up to my neighbor’s apartment. It stopped, turned on its flashing lights, and popped its little stop sign out. And then, the driver HONKED. I couldn’t believe it, is this real life????

Now keep in mind, it was a short bus. But still! A honking bus. This would have saved me from quite the scaring experience on a fateful day back in the 7th grade when I missed the bus.

The bus flew by…sans even a slight honk, and my mom had to drive me to school. Being a snowy winter day her ford Taurus Wagon was parked in our garage. She was angry with me because I missed the bus and barking because I she was going to be late for work. And then, distracted as she was backing out, it happened….she completely knocked her side mirror of the shaggin’ wagon. “You bag of sh*t!”. OMG did my mom just call me a bag if sh*t???. Yes, My mother just called me a bag of sh*t….being a wee middle schooler, I began to cry. I must have looked great, arriving to school bracefaced, puffy hair (I had not yet discovered the powers of a straightner) wearing a sparkling abercrombie t-shirt I got for 10 dollars at marshalls and wimpering. But, Honest to G I was scarred for life.

Fast forward to now, age 23, working at my first real, corporate job. Granted, as you read in Disgruntled worker, it’s a pretty lax work place. We wear jeans, we could even wear sweatpants and everyone is pretty laid back. We share folders on our network and if you’re in a document, it sometimes locks other people out. My boss, who sits, next to me, was tip typing away at her computer and then suddenly said “Popprincess…you mother f*cker”. Did my boss just call me a mother f*cker?? Yes, my boss just called me a mother f*cker. She apparently wanted to be in the doc. I was in….yet still, stunned I felt like I was right back in middle school….had a missed the bus??I touched my teeth..no no I don’t have braces, and no I’m not going to cry…but seriously WTF. Scarred again.


The point is…I hate the effing bus. It brings back a whirlwind of memories I would more than like to forget. So no Moose, put down the charlie card, I will not take the bus.

editor’s note: Yes, she did drive me. And lost her parking spot.

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