Archive for June, 2009

Adult Plans

June 30, 2009

Attention, Attention, is this thing not on???

I’m not sure if you’ve heard me before, but I have quite specific interests: Any and all that apply to a teeny bopper. I listen to the jonas brothers, I watch high school musical, I heart Zac Efron, HSM, Demi Lovato, Jesse McCartneyx2, Miley Cyrus are my top 5 of my most 25 played on iTunes and I even called in to kiss 108 every single day this last month to try to win tickets to the kiss concert (617-931-1108) with no luck, unfortunately.

In addition to my interests my activities are as follows: Crushing bud lights on off my forehead, binge drinking, partaking in dance parties and/or drunken sing-a-longs, and general being misbehaving or seeking out debauchery as often is humanly possible (usually just thursday-saturday, and sometimes tuesdays and sundays…)


What I’m trying to say is through my odd mixture of interests and hobbies you can see that I am not, by any means, mature. I’m like peter pan and the lost boys – if they’d had busch lights in Neverland (and if we’re talking Hook, Rufio totally would have been my boyfriend).

Just this morning, it was more my daily/weekly activities that made me realize how truly un-adult I am. As I desperately tried to find a date for an all day event of drinking (Beer Olympics, of course) I struggled. and struggled. and struggled.

Those I wanted to include had extremly “adult” or “mature” activities on their itins for any and all available weekends throughout the summer.

When I first suggested one date I got the response “sorry, we’ve got a wedding”. The next date I threw out there, but of course, “that’s the bachelor party”. Then a third attempt, with a different person and I got:
“I cant…it’s my friends shower and bachelorette party and my cousins engagement party…and my uncles bday”.
HONESTLY. What is up with all these adult obligations?!? engagement parties, graduation parties, bachelorettes, baby showers, wedding showers, my baby finally got potty trained shower, my dog got fixed so won’t hump your leg anymore shower. It never ends! and it’s truly conflicting with my, “it’s sunny out let’s go to the beach and get drunk” summer philosophy.
Is this it? Can I no longer instigate drinking because it conflicts with all of my friends adult-like obligations?
No, I will take a stand. Those of us who want to remain immature for just wee bit longer are more than welcome to join me. Details for the beer olympics are TBD and suggested events are more than welcome.
In the works I’ve got, blind folded beer tasting, beer duel, beer dunk and toss, beirut, boat race and more. SO if you don’t have to go to your aunt’s I just planted a garden or your cousins I don’t wet the bed anymore party then count yourself in.
Popprincess, OUT.

Just in case you weren’t aware…

June 26, 2009

There’s no way you don’t already know this but in case you are living under a rock in a cold, dark place without any connection to people or technology(and you happen to somehow, someway get ahold of my blog), Michael Jackson died yesterday.

Google, that’s right, google, that will someday take over the world, crashed after TMZ reported his death. They interpreted all of the ‘Michael Jackson’ requests as an automated attack and displayed an error message. Twitter blew up. They had the biggest number of tweets per second since the presidential election, and eventually had to shut down temporarily. Editors on Wikipedia battled back and forth changing his profile prior to the LA coroner officially confirming his death. Within a few hours of the news, Thriller shot to No. 1 on iTunes.


Not to make light of death, but I’m sorry Farrah, you were trumped.



On my way to work I heard the following:

Man in the Mirror
ABC
Will You Be There
You Are Not Alone
The Girl is Mine
The Way You Make Me Feel

Thank you oldies 103.3. I got a true appreciation for two of my favorite MJ songs, Hold Me and The Way You Make Me Feel, from some great movies of the 90’s: Free Willy and Center Stage Respectively.

Michael Jackson – Will you be there (Free Willy song)

Last night, the first sunny night in about a month, we wanted to drink outside. Yet we were GLUED to the television.

We bantered over the difference between a heart attack and cardiac arrest and speculated on how he’d actually died, watched the press conference etc…

We became curious about his children, and discovered their names are: Prince Michael Jackson, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, and Prince Michael Jackson II( aka Blanket Jackson).

Upon some research via wikipedia, we discovered blanket is a term of endearment,meaning to protect/love “I’ll blanket you, You should blanket her”

Biz was really afflicted by the whole thing.
Biz: Guys, this is really sad.
Me: Ya
Biz: I mean it’s really sad, I wanted to go to his concert
Me: Really Biz, that’s why this is sad?

Her roommate asked us, no less than 12 times:

Vicki:”HAVE YOU SEEN THE YOUTUBE TRANSFORMATION??

If you haven’t here it is:

Yes MJ had gone slightly if not completely crazy and Neverland is not a place I would let my kiddies go, but there’s gotta be a reason why everyone is paying tribute to him. A friend even said this morning “If you think I was not rocking out to MJ this morning you are mistaken. If I could have Moon walked to work I would have”. Yep, Ditto.

So I have put some sweet beats below for you to enjoy!


http://www.youtube.com/michaeljackson

Moose is a highly qualified child-care provider…

June 18, 2009

Sitter-city.com is effectively match.com for babysitters. No offense to Nicole G but I don’t care if you had a background check, you are likely to be found as a stripper just trying to pay her way through umass night school…you will not be babysitting my children.

Moose, my sister, had to create a profile that would set her apart from people like Nicole G.

Please see my notes and commentary below. Someday you too will have to pick a sitter, and I’d like to help you read between the lines. Also Sticky please note all of the things your “roommate” would do around the house if you paid her just a mere $13-18/per hour.

Bio
I’m an energetic and outgoing college graduate looking to pick up a few babysitting jobs per week(After looking into other profiles Moose is off to a good start. I found “I have a fun and bubbly personality…” let’s get real you are probably boring. OR how about “I am 30 years old…” Really? you’re kicking your BABYSITTING profile off like that, ZOIKS).
I currently work in Finance downtown(and hate my job), and on my weekends I volunteer as a coach for the a Youth Lacrosse Program(and crush bud lights on my forehead afterwords because the children drive me insane).
I have more than 10 years of experience working with children as a regular babysitter for several families in my hometown, youth coach of both soccer and lacrosse, full time summer nanny and volunteer for Junior Achievement(Is this made up??).

I currently live in the city, but I have a car and would be willing to travel to your home. I would be happy to provide any more information about myself or my experience. I look forward to hearing from you!

Work Experience
2 Years as a Nanny
Full Time Summer Nanny in the burbs, MA for a wonderful family of three daughters aged 5-13. Wonderful is the overstatement of the year. The eldest daughter ate crisco right out of the can and the 5 year old sang dirty rap songs.

Skills & Certifications
Drive the Kids
Homework Help
Playgroup Supervision
Potty Training (Really???)
Cook
Run Errands
Laundry
Light Housekeeping
Yard Work
Water Plants
Collect Mail
Wash Car (Again, really?)
Grocery Shop/Stock
Care for Pets

Job Preferences
Rate:$13 – $18 per Hour
Maximum number of children: 4
Pets OK? Yes
Ages of children: 0-1 years old, 1-3 years old, 3-10 years old, 10+ years old
Child care location: At Family’s Home, At Sitter’s Home (Did you clear this with Sticky?)

Education Level:
College School: XXXXX College
Major: Accounting
Religion:Christian / Catholic
Hobbies / Interests: Soccer, Lacrosse, Swimming, all Team Sports, Running, Coaching Youth Programs, Reading, Traveling, Skiing
Talents / Experience: Former-Athlete, Camp Counselor, Sports Coach

All in all it’s quite a nice little profile and has even got her some steady work. Not to mention I get the left over jobs she can’t make. And we all know I need the cash$dollahs.
Good work Moose, keep it up.

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Where Are They Now? SSE Part One

June 10, 2009

This is not a joke.
Note: As always only names have been changed as well as photographs altered and/or replaced to ‘respect’ the identities of all involved.

My sisters and had several childhood friends/neighbors like most children do. We used to have play-group, go to Halloween parties together, and play flash-light tag or spud (google it if you don’t know that game).

As we grew up, naturally we all took different paths. One became the husband of a soon-to-be dentist that relocated to the mid-west. His sister became a female body-builder that enters contests with her boyfriend. Another, former male ballerina, became an actor that frequently shows up on my favorite crime-shows like CSI, Without a Trace and Cold Case(obvi I immediately grab the phone to alert Moose – I’ve also found there is a YouTube video dedicated to his greatest works). And what about the aspiring meteorologist?Turns out, he ended up a professional tractor trailer driver(First off, he was more of a neighbor than a friend, and secondly I just googled him because I knew somehow, someway he would help add some legitimacy to my Where Are They Now? The South Shore* Edition…thank G for MySpace).

Editor’s Side Note: I am of course referring to South Shore, Proper

So sometimes I think, wow! how crazy is it that we all grow up in the same small town and ended up in such different places when we’re just in our 20’s. Now, as you know, I spend a decent amount of time on the fook/interweb so this is how I get caught up. And low and behold another kid from the good old playgroup showed up in my mini-feed. She was one of our closer friends (unlike the current tractor trailer driver – but I’m not judging). See below:


Yes that’s right the winner gets a boob job.

Upon further investigation:

A) Yes Sean Kingston’s “Fire Burning” Plays when you get to the event website
B) Yes the winner gets a free pair of boobs.
C) Runner up gets free highlights at Shag for a year – SERIOUSLY
D) “All Blondes (real or fake) get in free – wigs allowed!” WOWZA
E) If you don’t win tonight, same thing is happening tomorrow night at Shrine

F) Don’t worry it’s also got it’s own facebook page

Now, I knew our former friend and neighbor worked at a plastic surgeon’s office, and had had quite a bit of surgery herself. But promoting free boobs as your job (if you’re a chick and not a lesbian…) not exactly my cup of tea. So as much as I complain about my j to the o to the b…I think I’ll stick with my current industry for the time being…

So that’s all i have now for Where Are They Now: South Shore Edition Part One. If you have any updates to peeps on the south shore proper, do give me a shout out.

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My newest guilty pleasure…

June 9, 2009

I’ll admit it. I’m a victim of bad TV. I mean, I did catch myself watching Speidi on I’m a celebrity get me out of here! AND Another Cinderella Story with Selena Gomez all in one night…sad, but so very true.(note: this was not the first time I had seen Another Cinderella Story this year..surprised?)

To be honest, when I discovered Two and a Half Men earlier this year, I thought, why the eff didn’t I catch on to this sooner?


But alas, there was something bigger, better, and funnier than Ducky from Pretty in Pink playing a slightly annoying free loading brother of the alcholic womanizing jingle-writing Charlie Sheen and father of the slightly overweight and no longer so endearing son(now that he’s, oh, about 16).Just a few weeks ago How I Met Your Mother somehow surfaced on my radar and for lack of a better phrase it rocked my world.

So what you ask, exactly, is it that got me hooked? Was it Jason Segal from Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall that had me wanting more? Was it Bob Sagget’s voice as “future Ted” narrating and leaving me and Ted’s future kids with life lessons to ponder at the end of each episode? Maybe.

But perhaps I became mesmerized by NPH aka Dougie Howser’s character, the womanizer who has catch phrases and theories that I will slip into my back pocket and use for years to come. If I was a guy I would absolutely tell my friends to “suit up” before we went to the bar.

What’s that? You want me to elaborate? Don’t mind if I do…

In one episode, Barney tells his friends they have fallen “victim” to the Cheerleader Effect

“The Cheerleader Effect is when group of women seems hot but only as a
group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one
of them individually? Sled dogs…Take a good, hard look at each
one of those girls. Individually. The Cheerleader Effect. Also known
as the Bridesmaid Paradox, Sorority Girl Syndrome,and for a brief window in the
mid-’90s,the Spice Girls Conspiracy. Scary Spice indeed”

Now, think long and hard this is totally true. You see a bunch of cute girls in short skirts, or sorority sisters wearing pink with blonde hair and you assume automically “hotties”. C’mon now how many butter-faces[but-her-faces] are really in the group. I highly enjoy this theory. Obvi does not apply to me and my friends. We’re the real thing…fo sho.

That one not good enough for you?

Take for example the hot-crazy scale:

“The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become – knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life”

This speaks for itself.

Other miscellaneous reasons I heart Barney & the show in general:

-Barney’s Video Resume

-His overuse of the words “Awesome” and “Legendary” and the fact he <3's a good high five…

So if you have any other AWESOME shows that are hiding in the wood-work, please do point them out to me. I enjoy being thoroughly entertained.

xoxo PopPrincess
popprincess301@gmail.com 🙂

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Random Thoughts for the Everyday Person

June 4, 2009

I cannot and will not take credit for this – but I don’t have the heart to send people too many forwards. So why not post it??

• Literally means exactly as you describe, dumbass. “I can’t believethey fired me, I literally put my heart and soul into this job..” No,no you didn’t. Unless you worked at an Aztec temple and they demandedsacrifice, you did not literally do shit.

• Eating dessert, skipping class, and having sex all have one thing incommon. Once the idea crosses your mind it’s almost impossible not todo it, and if someone else says it out loud, it’s 100% going tohappen.

• Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that theirprofile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just gotthe Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind ifI do!

• My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquiredabout the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us”.Classy, bro.

• It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship or not. Valentine’s Day almost always fucking sucks.

• There’s nothing as strong as the bond between two people who usually don’t like each other but have found out they share a dislike for thesame person.• Fuck you oncoming car with halogen headlights.

• When I’m stir frying and microwaving at the same time I like to pretend I’m on Iron Chef. “Well Alton it look’s like he has added the sauce packet with only 20 seconds remaining on the microwave timer. Let’s hope he has time for plating.”

• Quit calling yourself fat if you are clearly not fat. I am not going to say you’re not anymore. I’m just going to nod and make that ehhhh kinda sound.

• Those not in a committed relationship, when was the last time you had sex… sober?

• If I say “You’re killing me, Smalls” and the person I’m talking tolooks at me with confusion and doesn’t know why I’ve called them Smalls, I question why I’m friends with them.

• I think the worst STD you could ever get is babies.

• I wonder when Will Smith will get the script for the Obama biography movie.

• “I heard it through the grapevine” should be replaced with “I saw iton Facebook”.

• Why is “No.” the abbreviation for number? There’s not even an o inthe word number.• Capri Suns never had enough juice in them.

• Quit tailgating me, I’ll speed up when I finish typing this text.

• Yesterday my mother called me to tell me that she had gone out tolunch with a bunch of her female friends the day before. During thelunch one of her friends said “Oh, guess what I did last night?” To which my mom responded “Took it up the butt?” I don’t know what makesme more proud, the fact that my 55 year old mother came up withsomething like that on the fly, or that she felt the need to let meknow.

• I just saw about 5 people I know at the supermarket and managed toavoid them all. It was awesome.• Sandwiches always taste better when someone else makes them.

• The Sunday struggle: not showering because I want to workout. Notworking out because I really don’t want to.

• “Seemed like a good idea at the time” is always the right answer.

• Somehow, no matter how tired I am, going on the computer keeps me upand alert for hours. Wish class or work had the same effect.

• They still have not found a cure for a hangover. Good luck, cancer.

• Sometimes I wonder if philosophers were actually that much smarterthan everyone else, or if they were just the only ones who rememberedto write down all the cool shit they thought of in the shower.

• I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I’m still watching your commercial on my shitty one.

• My mom tricks me into thinking that we are almost done with our phone conversation by saying “alright hunnie….” and then she will goon talking for another 20 minutes. Is that a talent specific to mothers?

• I am barely out of college and I already am beginning to feel out oftouch with the younger generation. What the fuck is Twitter?

• When I have to work late, the last thing I do is send a somewhatmeaningless email to my boss, just so she knows I was in the officeuntil at least 7:53.

• 8am – no way am I drinking again today. 1pm – after work, I’m goingto the gym, making a healthy dinner & then having a quiet night in.5pm – I need a drink. 10pm – how the fuck did I get so wasted?

• Why are there never fat people in fast food commercials, despite the fact that they’re practically furniture in those places? Seems alittle obesist to me…

• Used coffee and soda cups are like mini-trash cans for your car’s cupholders.

• Sometimes when you hate people, drinking makes you like them just alittle bit more.

• If you create a facebook album entitled “my babies”, and the covershows 3 of your cats, I am never looking at your album. Ever. Same goes for those of you who create “random pics” albums of you standingin a mirror alone, holding up a camera. Get a life.

• I often come home wasted and attempt to watch a movie…then wake upon the couch with the title menu playing over and over.

• If filling up the garbage can in the kitchen as much as possible before taking out the trash was an Olympic sport, I’d be so dominant that people would accuse me of being underage..

• In Home Depot today I saw a product called “Liquid Tape”…that sounds an awful lot like glue….

• If I’m supposed to meet you somewhere and you call to see where I am and I respond “I’m on my way” or “I’m almost there,” I probably haven’t left my house yet. And when I have finally arrived, I will be blaming my tardiness on traffic.

• It might look like I’m enjoying the cool music on my iPod with my headphones on, but I’m secretly listening to your conversation.

• Back when I was in high school I used to go to sparknotes so I wouldn’t have to read the book the teacher assigned. Now as a teacherI go to sparknotes to use their questions on my quizzes so I don’thave to read the book I assigned.

• I think I’m going to start a bar called the gym. Then all of thesepeople who really just want to say they went to the gym withoutactually working out would have somewhere to go.

• The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there shouldbe a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

• Wine glass? Tumbler? Snifter? Dude, we’re getting drunk, notaristocrating on the Titanic. Just pour the booze into those plastic cups over there and the rest will work itself out.

• Why is it that what seems like a perfectly acceptable volume for your music when you get out of the car is entirely too loud when you get back in?

• I’m 25. I’ve probably been using the phone since I was 3 years old. So why is it when I go to leave someone a Voicemail, I turn into a stuttering head trauma victim who can’t string a sensible sentence together?

• I find myself attempting to not sound like I’m right out of college while I’m at work. So instead of saying “yeah” I will say “yes”,instead “shitty” I’ll say “that didn’t go well” and instead of “fuck you” I’ll say “yes sir, I’ll get right on that”.

• I laugh everytime I see a “Slow Children at Play” sign. They shouldreally put a comma in there… I’m going to hell.

• Anyone who says working out in the morning “gives them energy throughout the day” is full of shit.

• Upon finding moldy food in the fridge I am going to throw it out-tupperware and all. It’s just easier to buy new tupperware than touch, let alone clean, that.

• I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just imagine bulletins that say “Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly &Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops Himself today at 4pm.” Someone out there is seeing this & says “Now that sounds like a part for me!”

• Whenever my car makes a strange noise the solution is always turning up the radio.

• I will definitely not enroll my future daughter in gymnastics seeingas I know she will only use her skills later in life for sexual positions.

• Ladies, you know you’re in a true dry spell when you start considering the pill an unnecessary expenditure..

• If I show up to work an hour before my boss, I am doing whatever I want for that hour.

• A lot. See how I added that space between the A and the Lot? Yeah,that’s supposed to be there.

• Hey eyelid twitch – thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.

• I hate when a menu item looks good, but I can’t order it because it has a cutesy name. I’m sorry, but I like myself too much to say thewords “Rootin’ Tootin’ Delicious Chicken Sandwich” in front of anyone I know.

• “Don’t Stop Believing” is the like “Eye of the Tiger” for drunk people.

• “If you could get this turned in by tonight that would be great, but really anytime next week is fine.” Next Friday it is then.

• I used to date a small-chested girl who said that she had”filter-boobs”, meaning her small boobs filtered out the guys who would have only liked her for her chest, leaving the guys who really liked her for her. I think I have a filter-salary.

• They always give me too much time to get undressed at the doctors office. I cant decide if this means that my doctor is just slow or if I am a slut.

• Whenever it’s below freezing, and you see a girl walking to the bar without a coat on, you should definitely make a move on her. You already know she’s into bad decisions.

• I think “I don’t like [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey]” is actually code for “I once puked up a ton of [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey] and thought I was going to die.”

• When asked “Why does no one know how to please a woman?” Anonymous gave this answer: “Because nobody has a penis made out of chocolate that ejaculates money.”

• I’m sorry TBS, but I have a hard time believing that “House ofPayne” is America’s favorite sitcom.

• I offered a round of shots for my high school friends one night and someone suggested tequila. One of the girls there says “Oh, no tequila seriously… last time I drank tequila I blacked out and woke up with a boyfriend. Facebook official and everything.”

• The first thing you should check when determining if you should move into a potential apartment is whether or not your cell phone has service all over the apartment. No coverage in the bedroom? Can’t live there.

• I have discovered that my hatred for abbreviations and anal retentiveness for spelling has made me the best drunk texter ever. Sure, I may be squinting out of one eye with my tongue sticking out incomplete concentration at my phone, which is one inch from my eyeball,but you’re going to understand what I’m saying, goddammit.

• How did ugly people get laid during Prohibition?

• If I don’t shower within 30 minutes of working out, I’m not showering.

• I wish my office directory would also list people’s relationship status.

• I have a mild anxiety attack every time I let someone borrow something.

• Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that. Thanks.

• Watching an entire television series on DVD makes me wonder how people sit and wait a week – a week! – between some episodes. I’m just so thankful that I live in this day and age.

• This line got me laid last night: “What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my cock down your throat.” …..Alcohol-1 Logic-0

• You know it’s time to do dishes when you’re drinking water from a martini glass.

• Condoms are for strangers, not girlfriends.

• You should get a prize just for showing up at work on crappy weather days.

• I’m getting sick of people asking me what I want to do when I graduate. I don’t know, is drinking during the day still an option?

• You are a “haha” person or an “lol” person. Either one is fine.. but everyone makes the choice.

• When I was driving back to school I accidentally cut someone off. They screamed “What are you blind?” and I yelled back “No just drunk.”They kept their distance after that.

• Two guys at work were amazed by the fact that at both of their apartment complexes they stole internet from some guy that named his router “linksys”. They couldn’t believe the coincidence. I didn’t have the heart to tell them.

• That is a shirt, not a dress. And Leggings are not the same as pants.

• It’s never going to be a good night when you’re the most sober member of the drunken shit show you call your friends.

• Beware your drunken inner-entrepreneur. While nursing a hangover, I found my handwriting on a wadded up bar napkin that simply read, NewRestaurant Idea: Date Crepe! I can’t decide if I should be more worried about the concept, or the fact that I added an exclamation point.

• I had to watch a sexual harassment training video for work. The video showed a day in the life of a small-chested, very bland-looking girl who repeatedly got hit on by co-workers, clients, and even her bosses. My first thought while watching was “there is no way this chick is hot enough to be getting sexually harassed this much.” My second thought was “I’m going to get my company sued one day, aren’t I?”

• There are a lot of things that I don’t do just because it reallyannoys me when other people do it. Getting married, or even being in a serious relationship is quickly moving to the top of that list.

• Cops should be able to pull over people who don’t turn right on red.

• There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

• If the law was really serious about catching drunk drivers, shouldn’t they just setup their checkpoints at every fast food drive thru after midnight on the weekends?

• At the bar last night a guy called his wife to tell her he was on the way home and to warm up the cock garage.

• I’m happy with my non-iPhone, non-Blackberry cell phone. It makes calls when I press the green button and stops them when I press thered button, and I can even send text messages. This is probably already more functionality than I need.

• Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.

• Won’t the ShamWOW just soak up all the water when you throw it inthe washing machine?

• If we’re talking, and I say, “That’s hilarious” without laughing, I’ve completely stopped listening to what you are saying.

• The most glorious ten seconds after you and your date have parted ways is when you finally succumb to your flatulence.

• The definition of wishful thinking: bringing my running shoes home from college over the holidays.

• Sometimes I don’t want to go out to the bar on a Friday night and spend $75. Sometimes I want to sit in front of the computer, drink Jack Daniels, and read Wikipedia articles for 9 hours straight.

• I like to give my friends checks when I owe them money rather than cash, just so I can write stuff like “last night” in the ‘For’ section.

• I need new drinking friends, the type that will be single when I am and in a relationship when I am, not consistently the opposite no matter what.

• Facebook is the only place where being married is usually less serious than being in a relationship.

• I used to get really nervous when checking my grades online for college, not knowing what to expect. Now that I have graduated college the closest I can get to that same feeling is when I check my bank statements online after a vacation.

• I wish I could update my relationship status to “whoring it up”.

• The English language needs a word to describe the situation where two people start talking at the same time, then both stop at the sametime, then both offer that the other go first at the same time.

• Im pretty sure I get ‘self beer goggles’. The more beers I drink the hotter I appear in the mirror. Sad downfall to reality when I see those facebook photos of the previous night and realize how awful I actually look when wasted.

• I’m pretty content with our occasional hookups, at least until someone better comes around…

• The scariest 10 seconds ever is when you are double checking who youjust sent a text message to… just in case.

• The next girl that complains to me about not having any money, while carrying a Coach purse is going to get punched in the face.

• I don’t understand why everyone with superpowers is either a superhero or a supervillain. What about superlazy? If I was Spiderman,I would use my powers to get my ass the remote. Oh, my stupid roommate left it next to the TV? THWAPP. If I was the Human Torch, I wouldnever ever wait for my oven to get to 350. I would have Funfetti cake now. And if I was Mr. Fantastic, well I’ll let your imagination runwith that one, but let’s just say I wouldn’t leave my house often.

• I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.

• Me? Oh no. I didn’t stay here and let my dreams slowly die in thesame backwater town I grew up in, like you did. I’m just home for theholidays. Well, it’s nice seeing you. Bye.

• When I’m at a bar and I run out of things to say to someone, I’ll often squint at a nearby TV just to make it look like I’m really concentrating.

• As a former bouncer at a bar, I don’t think that there is anything funnier than turning on the ugly lights at 2am and watching the looks on peoples faces, as they realize what they are about to sleep with.

• I came to the realization this morning that I don’t need Google, or Wikipedia, ever again because apparently my wife fucking knows everything.

• Yeah I fucked you. When we make eye contact in a bar the least you could do is nod and lift your beer.

• Dear snow, Yes, you are very pretty but none the less fuck you.

• I wish my office had a confessional like on the ‘Real World’

• I wish Taco Bell delivered.

• I wonder how much of my memory is devoted to song lyrics.

• Verizon Wireless, could you please give me a few more time intervals to choose from when it comes to the “snooze” option on your cellphones? Having to hit the snooze button again every 5 minutes is a terrible joke to play on someone and a complete pain in the ass for me.

• Do you ever feel like the pharmacists are judging you when you dropoff a prescription?

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